Becoming ourselves is a process, not a lightning bolt
The Myth of Instant Clarity
We live in a culture addicted to quick answers. “Find your true self.” “Unlock your destiny.” “Discover who you are.” As if identity were a hidden treasure chest waiting to be unearthed in one glorious moment of revelation.
But selfhood doesn’t arrive like lightning. It unfolds like a long, winding road. There are detours, false starts, switchbacks, and stretches where the scenery seems to repeat itself. Becoming ourselves is not about one defining moment but a lifetime of becoming.
Stories We Borrow First
Most of us begin life by borrowing scripts. Parents, teachers, culture, peers — all hand us lines to recite. For a time, those lines work. They give us a role, a place to stand. But if we cling to them too tightly, we risk mistaking them for our own.
The process of selfhood involves questioning: Whose story am I living? At first, it may be easier to follow borrowed scripts. They come with approval and certainty. But sooner or later, a quiet unease begins. We realize that applause is hollow if it’s not for the person we really are.
The False Summit
Picture climbing a mountain trail. Midway, you see a rise ahead and think, “That must be the summit.” You push toward it, only to find another ridge beyond it, and another still. The climb is longer than you imagined.
Selfhood works like that. You think you’ve “found yourself” at 20, or 30, or 50 — only to realize a decade later that you were still ascending, still becoming. Each false summit is not failure but progress. It means you’ve climbed high enough to see farther.
The Role of Mistakes
Mistakes are not detours away from selfhood; they are part of the path. The job that didn’t fit, the relationship that ended, the pursuit that soured — each helps clarify who we are and who we are not.
It’s tempting to view mistakes as wasted years. But often, they are tuition paid for wisdom. Without them, our selfhood would remain abstract. Mistakes make it real.
The Long Patience
Identity asks for patience. We want to “arrive,” to be finished products. But the truth is gentler and harder: selfhood is never finished. It grows, contracts, adapts, surprises.
The long road to selfhood requires trust — that even when we feel lost, something is forming. That each choice, each season, each attempt is adding texture to the person we are becoming.
Life as Library
Picture standing in a vast library. Each book represents a possible self: paths you could take, lives you could live. At 18, you pull one down and live inside it for a while. At 25, you set it back and choose another. By 40, you’ve marked up half a dozen volumes, some discarded, others treasured.
This library is not failure. It’s richness. Each book you sample contributes to the story you are writing. The self is not a single title. It’s a library full of attempts, revisions, and expansions.
Practices for the Journey
- Question borrowed scripts. Ask: whose voice am I following — mine or another’s?
- Honor false summits. Instead of resenting shifts, see them as proof of growth.
- Reframe mistakes. Treat them as experiments in becoming, not disqualifications.
- Keep revising. Remember that authenticity doesn’t mean rigidity. Selfhood evolves.
Mortality’s Role
Paradoxically, mortality makes the long road more urgent, not less. Knowing our time is limited doesn’t mean we should rush to “arrive.” It means we should begin living as ourselves today, in whatever measure we can.
We don’t have infinite drafts. But we have enough to make each chapter truer than the last. And we can at least try to care about truth over conformity at any age.
Closing Thought
Selfhood is not a destination pinned on a map. It is the trail itself — winding, uneven, surprising. Each step, each choice, each risk is part of the becoming.
Don’t despair when the summit shifts. Don’t mourn the detours. Trust the road.
Because the long road to selfhood is not something to endure. It is the adventure of a lifetime.
For more like this, visit the broader project at life-savor.com, or explore the Life Savor book itself.
To learn more about Life Savor’s philosophy,
read Life Savor: Treasuring Our Gift of Life by Erik Victor Reed.
